Underwriters

I think there's a correlation between underwriters and undertakers.

If you've ever sat near a claims team, or underwriters, you'll know that their life is spent understanding things that no normal person should have to worry about. One wished me well on it being my birthday today. He then went on to point out that I can now be happy in the knowledge that i've reached the age where things stop functioning the way they used to. By way of example, he added "like dribbling... you'll have to shake it a lot now". I laughed, nervously, thinking "jeezo, how does he know?".

They also can't help but stare at you when you have a coffee, or gasp when you bring out a cheese sandwich for lunch, commenting "cheese again, eh?". And inside you know they're calculating the exact date your heart is going to stop.

They are only eclipsed by actuaries, that can actually calculate that in a nanosecond. Failed fecking rocket scientists if you ask me.

Tweet my arse

I tried yon Twitter out this weekend. I'm not sure I understand what it's for. It seems to be yet another way of telling lots of people what i'm doing. I'm increasingly alarmed by the amount of technology that allows people, I don't really call my friends, to know what i'm doing.

I think the only answer is to start posting absolute rubbish. To fool people into thinking they know what I'm doing when I'm really doing something else. Why is it so important that people know what I'm doing? And I include friends in that. You can all piss off, as far as i'm concerned.

Some people I can see even post things that you'd be a bit of a berk to say out loud. Like "does anyone know why the Ruby on Rails European conference has been cancelled?". Who fecking cares? What is a Ruby on Rails anyway? No, don't answer, it's not something I need the answer to.

I know what you're going to do with that!

I was in the supermarket tonight. It was a pretty quiet affair, and whilst choosing toilet roll I noticed there was a woman also deliberating over her choice of bum wipe. I smiled, the way that you do when you're in someone's way and are happy for them to go first. She made her choice and I gesticulated with my eyes to her selection in that way that says "I know what you're going to do with that!". She averted my eyes and moved swiftly away. Now I think about it, she was a bit rude really.

Incontinence

I received the following email today, as by way of an update on encryption for my blackberry.

"The blackberry encryption will not take place today. Sorry for any incontinence caused".

Apparently, this also went to every other blackberry user in the company.

I called the team up responsible for providing the updates and asked them if they were taking the piss.

gmap pedometer

As you know, i'm training right now for a 10k run. Today a colleague pointed me to a cool online pedometer. It's really quite clever. Well, I say it's clever, but it does as it's told really. I guess the geek that developed it, and the googleguys are pretty clever too.

Anyway, go look at it. You basically find somewhere you have run/walked or whatever, start recording then double click along the route you took. You can even select the return route thing, if you ran the same way back, and it calculates the distance, in miles or euros. You can also click on something to show how far up or down you went too. I like it. A lot.

what did i miss?

Apparently, Obama started his new job yesterday and two million people went to see him off. That's only double the amount of The Stop The War campaign in London a few years back.

I missed the event, yesterday, but my sources, close to the new president, tell me it cost him £120m. Personally. Unless they charged each person six quid to get in?

Anyway. Let's see how he gets on. Warmongerer, philanderer, womaniser or damp squib like usual. Maybe he'll even be good. Doubt it though.

my mate steve

I was just reading, as I'm want to do most days, my mate, steve musters' blog; for the way we live today (link just over there) about the top ten ways to get people to visit your site. One other subject is stickiness, of course. Once here, how do I keep you here. I've just given you an opportunity to leave by pointing out where his link is. So, here's my top five stickiness tips:

1 remove any links to your friends sites without telling them (so they don't remove your link)
2 always write your postings completely in the nude.
3 include subliminal messaging and code that would take a very clever person at least a week to decode
4 choose a subject that geeks will find it hard not to have an opinion on
5 use subject matter that clearly worked elsewhere and plagiarise it

Simple.

Miraculous Weight Loss Technique

Tonight I discovered a miraculous weight loss therapy. I might even have to file a patent on it.

As part of my training (!) for the Edinburgh 10k I went for a run round the meadows twice tonight. I didn't go out twice, I actually ran round it twice at the same time. Not that I was two people.

Anyway.

During said run(s) I decided to run on the grass for a while (ala cross-country) to get a bit of extra workout. I spotted, at the last minute, a huge mud and puddle combination and checked my footwork, only to come a cropper. Where does that saying come from? Was Cropper some Victorian who kept on falling over or coming in to (or into even) dillemas of his own making? So, I slipped and ended up on my arse in mud (sorry mum).

When I got back I obviously needed a shower. I might have had one anyway, but given I was covered in mud it seemed more appropriate. I had mud on my face apparently, which must have made all the women waiting for their pilates class, as I picked up my son from his fencing class, giggle a little. Not stolen goods or garden work, but proper fencing. With swords.

Before said shower I decided to weigh myself. I came in at a kind 11 stone. I then had a shower and thought "maybe i'll weigh myself again in a mo to see if showering has changed my weight". Of course, that was a stupid thought. But lo and behold when I weighed myself again I was 10 stone 13 pound. That's something-or-other kilos in real money.

Where did that 1 pound go? Down the plug-hole? Was it mud and shed skin? Or invisible weight that we accumulate throughout our lives on our bodies? Sweat and ions, perhaps?

Anyway, showering. Try it. I suspect if I had a bath the same thing wouldn't happen. I actually believe I might have put on weight if I had a bath. I haven't had a bath for 20 years. Thank god. (or whoever your deighty might be). I might be a fat bastard if I had bathed every week. If you're a fat bastard then maybe you'll think twice about bathing again.

on the bus (part 422)

I'm actually on the right bis now.

on the bus (part 421)

I'm actually on the wrong bus and I have to get off now.

Edinburgh 10k

I've finally arrived at middle-agedom. I decided today, after a week of sobriety and good health, that I'm going to run a 10k in May. My mate, Andy, is doing it too, but he's been running for a couple of years now. He must be tired.

I ran a few times last year, of an evening. I think that's a rubbish time to run. I'm going to run at the weekend and a couple of lunchtimes a week.

I don't know why I'm doing it, I think it's a health thing, but at 43 surely the excesses of life have already determined my fate? Maybe not, maybe it'll actually make a differerence. Not that that's why i'm doing it. I don't think. Anyway.

Twitter Ye Not

I read today that a cross between a blog and a wiki is a Bliki. How amusing.

How many of these things is it safe to own, before it becomes to clunky and clumsy.

I now own a blog, a faecebook, three email addresses, a website, two laptops and two devices for accessing my internet whilst sat on a bus (which I am now).

I'd go for a twitter if I knew what one was. It seems to let everyone know where I am all the time and what's on my mind. You'd have to be crazy to want that.